Sebastian’s 10th Birthday

Dear Sebastian, This summer, if you had lived, you would be turning ten. Yesterday was technically your birthday, although if you had been able to survive, you likely would have been born in August. Maybe even on your due date – you would have been birthday buddies with your Grammie. Sometimes I wonder what you would have Read More

Gratitude to my Stillborn Son

Dear Sebastian, It’s that fragile time of year. It’s hot and humid here in southern Ontario – exceptionally so – which always makes me think of you. And cabbage leaves. (To be honest, fridge-cold cabbage leaves in the bra sounds like a pretty good idea right now. But it would definitely make me cry. The Read More

Breaking the Ice with Words and Grief

Dear Sebastian, Forgive me. I know you need some attention. You’ve been persistently reminding me for more than a year, but somehow I haven’t managed to sit down and contemplate you properly. Last summer, your days were rushed into the beginning of Family Camp. I thought of you all the time, but couldn’t grieve or Read More

Five Years to Miss You

Dear Sebastian, It’s now five years since your birth day; five years and about thirty-seven hours since your heart beat last. There is something about this year that has made my baby memories extra-vivid. I have thought of you so much this spring. I feel your days coming the first time the weather gets hot. Despite seemingly constant Read More

Things I’ve Learned About Being A Baby Loss Mama – Three Years Later

It’s October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On July 9th, 2011, as you know, our Sebastian was stillborn at 35.5 weeks’ gestation. I have learned things, since then, about mothering an invisible child. Although I don’t presume to speak for other babylost parents here, some will relate. It gets easier. Functioning day-to-day, compartmentalizing to Read More

Three Years.

Dear Sebastian, It’s been hard to write today. Not just because thinking of you can be hard. It’s also difficult to find the time, with your brother and sister around, and life being the overwhelming To-Do list that it is. I feel drained, and the words feel awkward under my fingers. It’s been three years Read More

Here we are. Two years.

It’s here. This day has been homing in on me for weeks. As I begin to write this, at 2:21 p.m., it was exactly two years ago that my husband and I wandered around the mall with my induction prescription in hand, wondering how we’d manage family phone calls to tell everyone that the baby Read More

Stillbirth: O Magnum Mysterium

This Tuesday, Sean and I were back at the out-of-town hospital, to speak again with the doctor about Sebastian’s autopsy. Thankfully, this time we didn’t wait long at all – and we had already eaten lunch at my favourite Indian restaurant, so that helped my state of mind. The doctor cut right to the chase: Read More

Little bits of blue

Many times in the past couple weeks, for some reason, I’ve found myself thinking about Sebastian’s hair. People who didn’t know me as a kid are surprised when they see E’s platinum-blondness – but I never was. I figured he didn’t have a choice, since Sean and I were both blond as kids. I got Read More

How the Little Boy Saved the Summer

I’ve finally finished reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, after almost three months. It’s not a book I always felt like reading, but I’ve been glad to have it around. Funnily enough, just during E’s crankiest sick days last month, I got to the part about parenting your previous and subsequent children after experiencing a loss. Read More