Kindergarten Quotables Variety Pack

I realize it’s been ages since I talked about the cute stuff my kids say, and it’s not because they don’t say cute things.

Okay, sometimes it’s because they don’t say cute things. At five and two years old, respectively, my son and daughter both have a tendency to freak out about seemingly minor incidents, and they both spend quite a bit of time screaming. This doesn’t leave quite as many opportunities in their schedules for adorable sound bites.

But! These little gems do still turn up. And I could argue it’s even more important to remember them when they’re not as common.

These are E-quotes, from approximately the past year – so he was four years old for some of them (he would want you to know that). I’ve organized them by theme, for your convenience.

Big New Words To Try Out:

• “There aren’t a lot of places to hide in this particular house.”
• “I distinctly don’t want square crackers… I specifically said circle crackers.”
• “The orange juice is essentially yellow.”
• “This is a really unusual contraption.”
• “Is it just me, or am I disintegrating?” (NO IDEA where he got that word.)
• “Marcia has a whole bunch of Play Doh colours, and I’m assuming they all came together.”
• “A millimeter isn’t even a thing. I made it up.”
• “I hurt so much of myself! I hurt both my toes and my philtrum!”
• “You have no idea how mad I am!! I’m googleplex hundred thousand mad.” (As you can probably tell, sometimes we teach him the more obscure words just ’cause it’s fun to hear him say them.)
• “My finger deflected it into my mouth.”
• “I’m really good at rhyming. I’m pretty good at homonyms – well, I haven’t mastered homonyms yet… but I have mastered snapping!” This is true. He was in the car, demonstrating from his booster seat. Yes, he does know what a homonym is. And he can snap his fingers like a boss.

Turns Of Phrase That Are Pure E:

• The morning after receiving some new Lego, seeing the mess he’d made: “Well, it’s another Lego excitement day.”
• Asking the name of his grandparents’ street: “That’s something my brain lost sight of. I suddenly didn’t know it.”
• As I explained how we were going to tackle cleaning his room: “You mean, all this great big bellowing mess will be cleaned up?”
• As Daddy reiterated our policy (if a parent cleans up a toy mess without E’s help, that parent gets to keep said toy): “Daddy! Just lose that feeling!”

Regarding His Little Sister:

• On seeing baby AB’s arm flailing around: “Maybe she’s like an antenna.”
• In a passionate defense when we took away something AB was destroying: “DON’T! RUIN! MY SISTER’S! FUN!!!”
• After she’d learned to whack him when he was getting in her space: “Biting me isn’t her only defense.”
• After I’d asked him to keep an eye on her while I went to the bathroom, then found him doing something completely else: “I’m keeping a very slight eye on her.”
• At a predictably nose-running moment: “I think her weapon is snot.”

Regarding His Brother/Potential Brother:

E: Mummy, when are you going to be pregnant? I want another Sebastian. I don’t even know what he looked like.

Mummy: Umm… I’m not sure if I will be pregnant again, sweetie. And if I did get pregnant, we can’t choose whether we have a boy or a girl.

E: Can you control whether you’re pregnant?

Mummy (mentally squirming a little): Well… yes. It has to do with what time of the month it is… and your activities.

E: Can we pick a boy or girl if we decide NOW?

Regarding His Mom:

• When I was making my own lunch instead of attending to his every whim: “Mommies don’t serve themselves. They serve other people than themselves.”
• One of the times E was freaking out about having to pee really bad, in response to my dry comment, “Maybe if you cry enough tears, you won’t have to pee so much,” he shrieked: “MUMMEE! Don’t say random things!!!!” (Parents, you know sometimes you have to say things just to amuse yourself. But those comments can rebound on you.)
• While trying to control his world: “Mummy, tomorrow I want you to be the one to pick me up from the bus, okay? Just keep that in mind.”
• When I explained that when you have a sleepover at a friend’s house, your parents don’t come with you, and that’s part of why it’s fun: “But, if you weren’t there, it wouldn’t BE any fun!” (Awww. <3)

Deep Thoughts and Life Philosophy:

• “I just need so much help, in this world. I want to move to a different planet. This one is just too tricky.”
• “Does snot have protein? Does it have veggies?” (Hmmm. What IS the nutritional content of snot?)
• “Does the world have a stem? Can you slice the world?”
• “There’s almost always poop in your body, and one mode is saveable, but the other is unsaveable.”
• When I explained that his balloon animal would not last very long: “So… balloon animals are just like paper airplanes and flowers and piñatas.”
• After I’d explained some of the traditions associated with St. Patrick’s Day: “But Mummy – what if my teacher makes me drink beer??”
• Discussing the older kids on the playground, when E was in JK: “For some reason, they think I’m a LITTLE kid!”

He still knocks my socks off sometimes with the things he says.

One night, just a few weeks ago, as we were tidying up his room before bed, he started reminiscing about his surfin’ days. Except he pronounced it “suhhfin’ dehhs,” which I guess is his surfer accent. To be clear, he’s never surfed, or even been close to a real live surfer, ever. But he maintained the accent and the patter for several minutes, completely deadpan. (I wish I could have got footage, but I was afraid to break the spell.)

As I giggled, I said, “I love you, buddy.” His rejoinder was, “I luv yeh teh, Mummeh… almost as much as I luv meh suhhfin’ dehhs.”

Then, last week, we played chess on the snow day. He had been playing chess for approximately two days, and here he was, saying things like, “I’m really putting you in a pickle here, Mummy!” and “I know the knight’s protecting the queen, so I’m not too worried about her,” and “You’re setting up a good pawn structure there.” Wha??

Crazy, awesome kid.

Next episode: Kid Quotables, Toddler Version.

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