Gratitude to my Stillborn Son

Dear Sebastian, It’s that fragile time of year. It’s hot and humid here in southern Ontario – exceptionally so – which always makes me think of you. And cabbage leaves. (To be honest, fridge-cold cabbage leaves in the bra sounds like a pretty good idea right now. But it would definitely make me cry. The Read More

Breaking the Ice with Words and Grief

Dear Sebastian, Forgive me. I know you need some attention. You’ve been persistently reminding me for more than a year, but somehow I haven’t managed to sit down and contemplate you properly. Last summer, your days were rushed into the beginning of Family Camp. I thought of you all the time, but couldn’t grieve or Read More

Calling for Love in the Age of Global Bullying

The dust is settling. We know it’s not just a bad dream. The unthinkable has come to pass. That Trump dude is now the US President-Elect… and I think I’ve figured out why. I don’t mean why in terms of the Electoral College (which I make no claim to understand), or in terms of voter turnout (though there’s Read More

Five Years to Miss You

Dear Sebastian, It’s now five years since your birth day; five years and about thirty-seven hours since your heart beat last. There is something about this year that has made my baby memories extra-vivid. I have thought of you so much this spring. I feel your days coming the first time the weather gets hot. Despite seemingly constant Read More

#NaBloPoMo, Day 17: Grateful for #LoveOverFear

Yesterday, after a weekend of global shock and grief and feverish discussion over the Paris attacks, a Toronto woman was attacked from behind by two men while on her way to pick up her children at school. They pulled violently on her head scarf, took her down and beat her up. They accused her of being Read More

Four Years Remembering You In This House

Dear Sebastian, Last week, it was four years since your death and birth. As always, we love you to the heavens and back, and miss you all the time. We have bought a new house. We will be moving to it at the end of the summer, and we are all really excited about it. Your Read More

Sometimes it’s hard to find words.

Dear Sebastian, I hope you enjoyed the music yesterday. I loved listening, and feeling so close to you. The three women whose voices delivered our lullaby were singing with you in their hearts, thanks to the initiative of my dear friend C, who loves the song and felt that it should be shared in person. I haven’t been Read More

Things I’ve Learned About Being A Baby Loss Mama – Three Years Later

It’s October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On July 9th, 2011, as you know, our Sebastian was stillborn at 35.5 weeks’ gestation. I have learned things, since then, about mothering an invisible child. Although I don’t presume to speak for other babylost parents here, some will relate. It gets easier. Functioning day-to-day, compartmentalizing to Read More

Three Years.

Dear Sebastian, It’s been hard to write today. Not just because thinking of you can be hard. It’s also difficult to find the time, with your brother and sister around, and life being the overwhelming To-Do list that it is. I feel drained, and the words feel awkward under my fingers. It’s been three years Read More

Writer’s Flood Paralysis and the Blogging Shame Spiral (a.k.a. excuses)

What the Sam Hill… I haven’t posted since April 22nd?? Lots of bloggers complain about writer’s block and lack of inspiration. (Fortunately, lots of other bloggers offer solutions for both.) I can imagine getting blocked, if you’re a niche blogger. Some days you just might not have that kicky recipe or new fitness tip or Read More