Dear Sebastian, I hope you enjoyed the music yesterday. I loved listening, and feeling so close to you. The three women whose voices delivered our lullaby were singing with you in their hearts, thanks to the initiative of my dear friend C, who loves the song and felt that it should be shared in person. I haven’t been…
Tag: baby loss
Things I’ve Learned About Being A Baby Loss Mama – Three Years Later
It’s October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On July 9th, 2011, as you know, our Sebastian was stillborn at 35.5 weeks’ gestation. I have learned things, since then, about mothering an invisible child. Although I don’t presume to speak for other babylost parents here, some will relate. It gets easier. Functioning day-to-day, compartmentalizing to…
Three Years.
Dear Sebastian, It’s been hard to write today. Not just because thinking of you can be hard. It’s also difficult to find the time, with your brother and sister around, and life being the overwhelming To-Do list that it is. I feel drained, and the words feel awkward under my fingers. It’s been three years…
Writer’s Flood Paralysis and the Blogging Shame Spiral (a.k.a. excuses)
What the Sam Hill… I haven’t posted since April 22nd?? Lots of bloggers complain about writer’s block and lack of inspiration. (Fortunately, lots of other bloggers offer solutions for both.) I can imagine getting blocked, if you’re a niche blogger. Some days you just might not have that kicky recipe or new fitness tip or…
Days of Saints and Souls
Dear Sebastian, I haven’t written to you as much as I’ve wanted to lately. I didn’t write to you at Thanksgiving, even though I always wish for you at family gatherings. I didn’t write to you on October 15th – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day – since it was one of those weeks I…
Here we are. Two years.
It’s here. This day has been homing in on me for weeks. As I begin to write this, at 2:21 p.m., it was exactly two years ago that my husband and I wandered around the mall with my induction prescription in hand, wondering how we’d manage family phone calls to tell everyone that the baby…
The Blooming Season
This weekend is a big one for me. On Saturday, I’ll be thirty-five years old. (Holy smokes.) And of course, Sunday is Mother’s Day. Over the past week or so, something has been making me feel slightly odd and touched in the head. There’s been a phantom baby inside me. Not that I have actual…
Happiness and the Multi-multi-multi-tasking Brain
I think it’s safe to say that everyone wants to be happy. If there is such a thing as a universal goal in the context of humanity, happiness must be it, right? Keeping that in mind, it seems a bit sad that so many people still feel themselves to be in pursuit of happiness. Folks…
Six weeks old on Remembrance Day
Dear Baby A, Today, you are six weeks old! Probably the fastest six weeks of my whole life, even though I’m trying very hard to cherish every second, to make this time last longer. Six weeks ago, you were sleeping angelically through your first day of life, as many people (who had already loved you…
Sebastian’s Tree
A year ago yesterday, on October 15th, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I wrote to Sebastian on Unspoken Grief. I was feeling very blue and needed to write with a bit more anonymity than usual. Looking back at what I wrote, I feel so fortunate to be where I am, one year later….