There is someone out there I will never be able to thank for the gift they gave us. I don’t know who it is, but I picture a retired lady with kindly eyes and a sewing room stuffed to the gills. That person made a tiny quilt for a tiny person they didn’t know, belonging…
Category: Sebastian
Maybe a little bit of birthday celebration
Dear Sebastian, A week ago Sunday, as I was making black raspberry cobbler for your 12th birthday, I realized something. I thought back to the day of your birth, and your first and second birthdays, and how impossible it felt to “celebrate” the day back then. I could not conceive of making cake or blowing up…
“Mom Grief” Could Apply To Anyone
A couple of months ago, I was talking with two of my colleagues about something we dubbed “mom grief.” The three of us are at different stages of our parenting journeys, but we agreed that there is a not-often-discussed grief that applies to all involved parents. Just seeing your children grow is incredibly beautiful, but…
Sebastian’s 10th Birthday
Dear Sebastian, This summer, if you had lived, you would be turning ten. Yesterday was technically your birthday, although if you had been able to survive, you likely would have been born in August. Maybe even on your due date – you would have been birthday buddies with your Grammie. Sometimes I wonder what you would have…
Gratitude to my Stillborn Son
Dear Sebastian, It’s that fragile time of year. It’s hot and humid here in southern Ontario – exceptionally so – which always makes me think of you. And cabbage leaves. (To be honest, fridge-cold cabbage leaves in the bra sounds like a pretty good idea right now. But it would definitely make me cry. The…
Breaking the Ice with Words and Grief
Dear Sebastian, Forgive me. I know you need some attention. You’ve been persistently reminding me for more than a year, but somehow I haven’t managed to sit down and contemplate you properly. Last summer, your days were rushed into the beginning of Family Camp. I thought of you all the time, but couldn’t grieve or…
More Beauty
As one of my dear Camp friends said to me today, I’m in the right place this week. Today, there was so much beauty – so easy to feel close to my Sebastian. An hour-long silent Meeting on the hill (silent but for cicadas, wind in trees, and riotous birds), looking at this. Circles holding hands….
Five Years to Miss You
Dear Sebastian, It’s now five years since your birth day; five years and about thirty-seven hours since your heart beat last. There is something about this year that has made my baby memories extra-vivid. I have thought of you so much this spring. I feel your days coming the first time the weather gets hot. Despite seemingly constant…
Be The Calm
It was a busy summer. Just so you know, that’s the usage of the word busy where it actually means overwhelming-and-sometimes-stressful-enough-to-make-me-think-I-might-lose-my-marbles. And that’s despite summer vacation, and my school being closed for renovations. We bought a house in June, right before end-of-school craziness; we beautified and sold our house in July; we packed in August, and moved on…
Four Years Remembering You In This House
Dear Sebastian, Last week, it was four years since your death and birth. As always, we love you to the heavens and back, and miss you all the time. We have bought a new house. We will be moving to it at the end of the summer, and we are all really excited about it. Your…