The Year You Were Here

Dear Sebastian,

Today is the last day of the year 2011. This has been a very special year for us.

In 2011, we heard your heart beating. We saw you swimming around in my womb, and we found out you were a boy.

In 2011, I got to feel you moving inside me, and it made me happy (even when it was uncomfortable). We spoke to you, and waited for you with excitement.

In 2011, we gave you your name. Your big brother liked to say it, and talk about you, and give you hugs from outside my belly.

In 2011, you were born into our arms, tiny and beautiful and still. We held you close for as long as we could. I touched your silky cheek and did my best to memorize your face. We told you we loved you.

This is the year you were here. I am sad to see it end, because I know I will not do any of those things in 2012.

Last night, thinking of the time we spent with you, I missed you so much, it felt like you could have been with us only yesterday. Even though it hurts a lot that you aren’t here, pain is good sometimes. That’s how I know you’re still with me, in the warmest, brightest, snuggliest part of my heart – right next to your brother.

In 2012, we will still think about you, and talk about you, and say your name. And we will still love you, always.

Sebastian's hand

I hope you can feel it.

***


 

 

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11 thoughts on “The Year You Were Here

  1. emerge says:

    I got this right before we went out to celebrate the New Year in the streets last night. I’m glad I got it then… and had a cry for Sebastian just then, at the end of the year. I think of how you said you valued things that made you cry for him, after the first part of grieving was ebbing…and I do too. I told my friends what was up and they were thinking sweet thoughts for you and Sebastian too, and it was not a damper on things at all, in fact a really good thing to do just before a celebration, like he was somehow there, carried with us in our celebration. I’m so sorry he isn’t here in the flesh but when we cry for him (I’m crying now) then it feels like he is here in the tears on our cheeks. xoxox

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