Humanity’s Deepest Questions, courtesy of Google

Search engines are funny. Similar to my affection for my spam folder, I am fond of checking out the Google search terms that happen to lead strangers to my blog.

Naturally, a lot of people are looking for book and movie reviews, which is fine, because I actually write those (while making no claims as to helpfulness). But I’ve figured out that when people search “naked troll”, they aren’t actually looking for Dilovely’s list of “Minimal Attributes for Guys” – they are looking for some World of Warcraft-related phenomenon. My little pink-haired troll isn’t going to help them.

When they search “kate winslet naked”, “mila kunis naked”, “salma hayek naked”, “aishwarya rai naked”, “catherine zeta jones tits”, “titanic boobs”, etc. (you get it), I know I’ve disappointed them. Even in my nude Kate Winslet photo, there are no nipples – sorry, boys and girls. Also, when they search for “bangbook”, they are not looking for reviews. They are looking for the dating site with boobs on its homepage. Sadly, the boob-seekers are SOL here.

You’d be impressed by how many people are looking for “chihuahua in costume“.

Another fun game for procrastinators is Auto-Complete: start searching for something on Google and see what they predict you will search for. If I assume these auto-completions are based on search history stats, it’s fascinating. A little glimpse into (English-speaking, web-connected) humankind’s most-asked questions.

Here are a few I enjoyed – my own sentence starter, plus the four automatic options:

How do I know if

• I have bedbugs
• he likes me
• im pregnant
• i have a yeast infection

I always thought if you had bedbugs, you’d know by the bugs… in your bed. (And if you have to ask about a yeast infection, well – chances are you’re already there.)

What is a

• prime number
• thesis
• cv
• metaphor

How nice that a high school diploma takes care of all four of these.

What happens when

• you die
• you block someone on twitter
• you quit smoking
• you smoke weed

I love how Twitter Etiquette is almost up there with Death.

Where does

• justin bieber live
• drake live
• west jet fly
• vinegar come from

When we were kids, my dad used to ask us “Where does wool come from?” just to see what odd things we’d say. Like Baby-Google.

Why do women

• cheat
• need catheters
• wear high heels
• stay in abusive relationships

Why do women need catheters? (Is it related to their high heels?)

Why do men

• cheat
• lie
• have affairs
• go bald

Well, OBVIOUSLY, they go bald because of the lying, cheating, and affairs.

Why do girls

• like abs
• wear makeup
• like jerks
• get periods

Chilling connections are making themselves visible: women stay in abusive relationships… because girls like jerks. And girls like jerks because… um… that’s the eternal question, right there. Maybe because they can’t have Justin Bieber – they don’t know where he lives.

Why do boys

• like girls
• stare at girls
• tease girls
• bully

Okay, who’s asking why boys like girls?? (Unless it’s little gay boys, in which case, of course you’re confused… and hey, good on ya for asking Google.)

Why do children

• go to school
• lie
• bite
• steal

Makes it seem as if “going to school” is a knee-jerk or instinctive action, like lying and biting.

Why do people

• cut themselves
• smoke
• yawn
• plank

Those are all excellent questions, except… if you know it’s called a plank, how do you not know why people do it?

Why does

• it hurt when I pee
• my cat lick me
• my eye twitch
• my life suck

And again, number 4 is clearly contingent on numbers 1-3.

So there you have it, procrastinators! Uncomplicated fun, right? (And: isn’t it amazing that I got a blog post out of this malarkey? Start a blog and turn your idle reverie into PURE ART.)

***

[subscribe2]